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I have been trough a lot, being up and down in my life lane. Trying so hard to beat the people that keeping me down, trying so hard to prove to other people that i am better than anyone else and trying so hard just to be myself. I keep questioning about it each and every day. I mean, in my deepest thoughts i am thinking why on earth that people around me always keep pushing me down telling me i am not at their level, telling me that i am not as good as theirs and telling me that i have to follow them and perhaps be just like them.
Since a kid, being a middle in my family was not something that i can be proud of. To add things worst, i am not as bright as my other siblings, always have something that will crushes my parents hearts by being very rebellious kid. Tantrum every now and then, trying so hard just to get an attention and so called love from both of my parents. Sometimes, i ask myself why me? why do i have to go through all this phase that keep hurting me again and again. Looking at my brothers and sister, they do get lots of attention needed by them. Being the top students in class, being the spotlight of the family but yet i can see that they are really ungrateful. I do want to tell them, i do want to shout in front of their faces telling them that they are blessed with the love that they need whenever they complaint about my parents not giving them much attention they need. Damn! try to walk and taste my journey before you look at yours that full of flowers and butterflies but still not being satisfied with it.
Counting the hardships and the pain that i have been trough really breaks my heart. At one stage of my life, i just want to give up. Literally giving up, having the thoughts of giving up my life and do stupid thing just to feel alive, Letting other people hurting me, hurting my thoughts, hurting my heart over and over again just to feel me. Just to feel that i exist in their life and just to feel that i am someone that matters. I always looking at other people around me and have this feeling that they are much better than me. Nothing great about me, nothing. I am just a person who don't really matters to anyone else.
My relationships also not helping me much in creating the surrounding that i needed to boost me up. Always ended up with people that love to crushes me again and again and love to see the tears and heartbroken me. I mean, i always have this thoughts that why on earth these people are doing this to me and why do i let them in and creating the scene and repeating them as much as they like. Feeding them with the things that they wanted.
The only thing that make sense to me back then until now is my work. I will wake up and go to work everyday and devoted myself into it. It's not that i am workaholic or something but being at my work desks and meeting other people that is not judgmental towards me really soothes me. Yes, i do every now and then my boss will be such a pain in my ass but by end of the working days or perhaps end of the week, they are just someone who passes by my daily life without judging me every now and then. I mean, being a boss always a boss. I do not have to get their attention or love or what ever personal thingy anyway. If i do my work well, i will be paid well and i can use my monthly paycheck to do what ever i want. Though i was never enough but still, i am satisfied.
Last year was a break trough for me. I don't care if people wanted to say i am old or late to be realizing things around me. I don't care anymore. I was living alone, rented an apartment somewhere outskirts i shall say. Been in a twisted relationship whereby the truth always been hidden from me and when ever things go wrong, nobody stands out. I mean, if you are with me you should know better than anyone else. But, end of the day what matters the most is me. I had enough of everything. If i were to count the things happened before, my relationships my hardships my everything i will drown again and again. Falling again and again and will never regain myself from the darkness that i created. It's time to stop.
I do not have a lot of friends but the one sticks with me knows me well. Knows how much i been through. Knows every inch of my life and my entire stories. They always there when i needed them the most and they never turn their back on me. I don't hang around like everyday with them, don't go movie with them, don't do things together with them but yet they were there for me. One of the things that i managed to pick up in my life that sparkles the light trough my darkest journey.
I want to count my blessings rather than going and blame the path i am into. I could not do anything with my path unless i decided to change my thoughts and the way i thinks towards things around me. One thing i learned is GOD is always there, i mean GOD do not speaks to us directly but whenever i pray, i always talk to him as if i am talking to a person. I will tell GOD everything that happen to me that day. I cried, i smiled and i asks GOD for giving me the light in my journey. Ask him to give me things that i wanted.
As far as i can see now, GOD has been nice to me. Things changes bit by bit and my prayers is answered though it is not as what i had in my mind but surely i know GOD has it's own plan for me. I am still trying to catch up with my life and trying to taste the sweetness of the battle that i am in. Trying to look at the other side of the picture i am in. Still keep on trying and counting my blessings.
One thing that i am grateful for today is i am still alive and i can still doing things that i want. It's not the end of the world though. Other people also have their own stories that GOD knows better than me, perhaps they are much more worst than i am. Who knows, perhaps i am being selfish by only looking at what i am going through and not looking at other unfortunate people around me.
I should create something for myself and try to achieve it then. Let me think for a while and perhaps, who knows things will be better for me from now on..
While i am thinking about what i want to do, or dream or what i really want in my life, i hope that you all can pray that i can manage to recover from me as soon as possible. I want to be happy and great like everyone else. Like those smiling people i seen in my facebook account and at people surrounding me.
Dear GOD, please guide me and help me. Dear readers, do pray for the best for me and for all the people who been through the hard time like me.
Fighting battles only we know...
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